It has been a month since my surgery. The incisions are finally healing but other post surgical issues remain. Constipation. little appetite,and fatigue are the most troublesome. On the good news side, when I went in for my check-up I had lost another ten pounds, maybe not the most desired way to lose the weight but Jenny Craig watch out! I was told that the fatigue could last up to nine months post surgery and even longer depending on how I respond to the chemotherapy. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that little detail. The secondary pathology report showed that a few of the little buggers had tried to make an escape and there were some precancerous cells present in several of the lymph nodes and the cervix. Based on my history the team recommended that I undergo further treatment and I have my first session tomorrow.

The Ugly Duckling

As a child I often thought that I had been placed into the wrong family. I did not belong. I was the ugly duckling among three pretty sisters and two handsome brothers. The only one that I felt a connection with was my father and even with him I feared showing too much affections as I might find that it was not returned. Don't get me wrong, there were good times but I always had the feeling of standing on the edge of the family circle.

In school,with each new year I found myself encountering teachers who expected me to be just like the sibling that had preceded me in their class...but I was the shy one. I did well scholastically but again never felt that I had lived up to expectations.My circle of close friends was small but I was able to move easily from one group to the next, I expect mostly due to my strong desire to find out just who I was. I feared getting really close to any of them as the truth that I did not belong might be discovered. Even my graduation seemed to lack any sense of achievement so when presented with the opportunity to leave the family I grabbed it.

It was then that I allowed the "me" that I wanted to be to emerge and it was liberating. I was meeting people who had no preconceived expectations. I discovered my own style, my own taste in music, books, art, etc. By learning to love myself I learned to love my family and to accept the part that I had played in creating my isolation. And while there have been ups and downs in my life I am pleased with the me that I have become, not a swan but no longer the ugly duckling either.