Let the rumpus begin!

In the book by Maurice Sendak, Where The Wild Things Are, Max, in his wolf suit, makes mischief until his mother in exasperation calls him a wild thing. "I'll eat you up." Max says and is sent to bed without his supper. There in his dreams, he travels to the "place where the wild things are" and they roar their terrible roars and gnash their terrible teeth and roll their terrible eyes and show their terrible claws" until Max command, "Be still" and tames them with his magic trick of staring into their eyes. All of us have wild things within us, the feeling that we must learn to control. Emotions that can get us into trouble but at the same time are essential to conjuring up the creatures that make life interesting. It is our ability to control with out quashing that makes us optimistic. Optimism is dependent upon our ability to become King of all the wild things. It requires mothers/friends who will send us to bed without our supper, but will keep it warm as well and welcome us back from where the wild things roam. It is from this family that we learn the magic tricks that we need to make us feel like a King. Let the rumpus begin!

(Photo from the book by Maurice Sendak)

Mary Stayed Out All Night

Wi Mae Ri (Moon Geun Young) is the cheerful, pragmatic daughter of a failed businessman who had grown used to being constantly on the move to escape from debtors. She meets the free-spirited indie singer Kang Moo Kyul (Jang Geun Suk) when she nearly runs him over in a car. Meanwhile, her father Wi Dae Han is saved from his debtors by his old friend, Jung Suk, who had just returned from considerable success in the Japanese entertainment industry. Jung Suk, who had harbored a secret love for Mae Ri's mother, sets up a deal with Dae Han to have Mae Ri marry his son, Jung In (Kim Jae Wook). In her desperate to escape this predicament, Mae Ri begs Moo Kyul to pose as her husband, and finds herself in even more trouble than before when her father registers her “marriage” to Jung In and then proposes a 100-day period in which she has to divide her time equally between Moo Kyul and Jung In, after which she has to decide who to marry.* Mary Stayed Out All Night is a 2010 South Korean romantic comedy television series based on an internet comic Maerineun Uibakjoong by Won Su-Yeon. At first I was set to dismiss this show based on the premise but the three lead actors made this a comedy delight, each playing their character to perfection. I would recommend this drama to any new viewers of Korean drama.

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacle we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” – The Dalai Lama Recent events, both in my life and in those of friends, got me thinking about things that prevent me from being happy for a greater portion of my life. Sure there will be things that are out of my control that will cause me to be sad but that does not mean that I should let those emotions control me or cause depression. Time to quietly reflect on those events and to determine how I can use them to move forward in a more postive way will be my goal.I decided that I was going to try and practice looking on the bright side of life,not exactly Pollyanna, but taking a cue from both her and the Dalai Lama, I shall move forward with my own version of The Glad Game.

Ain't No Sunshine (When He's Gone)

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If This World Was Mine

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Why Am I An EEL? It's a puzzle.

St Steven's Children's Orphanage Choir

Even as AIDS has left its mark on them, these children can sing with a joy of hope for the future. We could all learn a lesson from them.

Can you hear the prayer of the children? On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room Empty eyes with no more tears to cry Turning heavenward toward the light Crying Jesus, help me To see the morning light-of one more day But if I should die before I wake, I pray my soul to take Can you feel the hearts of the children? Aching for home, for something of their very own Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to, But hope for a better day a better day Crying Jesus, help me To feel the love again in my own land But if unknown roads lead away from home, Give me loving arms, away from harm Can you hear the voice of the children? Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world? Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate, Blood of the innocent on their hands Crying Jesus, help me To feel the sun again upon my face, For when darkness clears I know you're near, Bringing peace again

Geun Knight EELS

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Sweet Dreams

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The Kiss

“Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing. “ Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) Irish author and clergyman

Consider the kiss. What an odd, intriguing, and absurd concept, this pressing of lobes, this mating of faces. Ah, the kiss. Obscene and brutal? Or magnificent, erotic? A tribute? An insult? Whatever the form, it does span mouths and hearts and time. There are too many kinds to count, this mirror of emotion, purveyor of desire: The Judas kiss, low as a snake and deadly as sin. The obligatory kiss to Aunt Jane, whose breath is stale with age and cigarettes smoked. The perfunctionary peck upon the cheek, a greeting here, perhaps sincere but perhaps not. A parent’s worried lips to the child’s fevered brow. And what of the kiss of comfort, the one that absorbs even a little of the grief while a loved one sleeps in a silk-lined box? Kisses sweet, brief, given without thought or considered at length. An apology even, when words are too hard to say. The lover’s kiss: prelude to passion each mortal strives to perfect with varying degrees of success. Mustn’t be too sloppy or too dry; the timing is crucial, too; when to begin as important as knowing the moment it is meant to be over. Is it tentative or hungry? Is it reciprocated, or rejected with the turn of the cheek, mauling the ego more deftly than any two-fisted blow? The cheek will not do, not when lips are destined to meet and seek a fit as intimate as hip to hip. A tracing of the lips with the tip of the tongue, dip, taste of the tender, fleshy lobes, around, under, and finally between. The tongue is taken into the dark, moist chamber. Textures there, be it raw silk or rough as the kitten’s tiny bumps coated with cream. Can you hear the accelerated breathing; maybe it is ragged, harsh, and a little raw? Breaths mingle, exchanging flavors, longing. Teeth close, claiming a tongue, a bite, just a tiny pressure, a groan, a sigh. Reverse the exploration. And then eyes peek open, affirming that this feeling is mutual and unfeigned. Now the deepening of it, the slanting of lips, the tongue thrusts, the increasing wetness and carnivorous nibbles as they devour each other.. It is delicious. Absolutely divine. His lips skim down to her chin, he sips and the delicate jut. Unwilling to relinquish and yet feeling the natural course playing to the end. Their eyes open and meet and no words are needed. If it is good, it is the best part of heaven; if not, they part knowing the kiss was fatal and this is good-bye. Consider the kiss. A concept worthy of thought, though one better pondered with nimble lips rather than words.

Best Musicals (this is a work in progress)

1) My Fair Lady & West Side Story 2) Into the Woods 3) The Sound of Music 4) A Chorus Line 5) Fiddler on the Roof 6) Guys and Dolls 7) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 8) The Music Man 9) Cabaret 10) Chicago 11) The Fantasticks 12) South Pacific 12) Flower Drum Song 13) Show Boat 14) The King and I 15) Rent 16) Sunday in the Park With George 17) Carousel Oklahoma! 18) Little Shop of Horrors 19) How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying 20) Ragtime 21) Kiss Me, Kate 22) 1776 23) Gypsy 24) A Little Night Music 25) A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum 26) Evita 27) Dreamgirls 28) On A Clear Day 29) The Producers 30) Hair 31)Hello, Dolly! 32) Follies 33) La Cage aux Folles 34) 42nd Street 35) Brigadoon 36) Jesus Christ Superstar Joseph 37) Wicked 38) Les Miserables 39) Mame

40) Godspell 41) Company 42) The Pajama Game 43) Man Of La Mancha 44) Pal Joey 45) Hairspray 46) The Phantom of the Opera 47) Damn Yankees 48) Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk 49) Pippin 50) You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown 51) Sweet Charity 52) Camelot 53) Anything Goes 54) The Secret Garden 55) Kiss of the Spider Woman 56) Finian's Rainbow 57) Annie Get Your Gun 58) Annie 59) Beauty and the Beast The Lion King 60) Ain't Misbehavin' 61) Bye Bye Birdie

Stay....Jang Keun Suk

A Girl's Best Friend

Thanks to my friend, Glori, for some of the pictures and to Nora Jones for the song.

Pain Induced Pain

It is often difficult to explain to someone just what it means to suffer from fibromyalgia. Unless you suffer from a condition that they can see/understand your pain can seem to be in your mind...you are a hypochondriac perhaps? When I first starting suffering from it I did not have a name for it but thought that it was perhaps just one of those things that happens to some people as they get older..little did I know until later that there are many sufferers who are just kids. Someone would sit next to me and accidently brush against me and this would send a shooting pain through my body. I finally got a name put to this while undergoing treatments for cancer. A side affect of the cancer treatment was the onset of lymphedema. The treatment for that is manual lymph drainage,a light massage therapy technique in which the skin is moved in certain directions based on the structure of the lymphatic system. This helps the lymph fluid drain through the proper channels.massage. One of the team doctors noticed how I flinched at light touch and started to question me. He reviewed my medical history; migraine sufferer, numerous body traumas, etc and told me that I was the classic FM patient. Many doctors do not even recognize the condition because it is basically one of eliminating all other possible causes for the pain but for some patients the pain is cross-related to other medical conditions and exacerbated by the underlying FM. I hit all 19 of the trigger points. One other bit of trivia is that some cases of lower-limb lymphedema have been associated with the use of tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is often prescribed for women who have had breast cancer and I was one of those women. Tamoxifen can also be a factor in the development of uterine cancer. Just how lucky can a girl get!

http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/fibromyalgiapain.htm

This is from my files from back when a friend that I had not seen in years asked me to tell something about myself. The recent loss of that friend had me going back through our many messages and thus this surfaced: I am Woman, hear me roar! I am a warrior. I am a peacemaker. I am Tigger. I am Pooh. I am Wise Old Owl. I am gloomy Eyore. I am a shy violet, the bold tiger lily and the questioning daisy, loves me, loves me not. I am a romantic. I am a realist. I am a republicrat. I’m cool. I’m hot! I am the surprise in the box of Cracker Jacks, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. I am a fine Boudreaux. I am bubbly Champagne. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a mother and a grandmother. I am a friend. I am a lover. Anything else is still to be discovered.

Sol's Video 8/25/12

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"Like an old photograph Time can make a feeling fade But the memory of a first love never fades away.” Rosemary Rogers

More Than I Can Say

More Than I Can Say

When I saw this image, several people came to mind, some I know intimately and others I only know from a distance but each one has given me reasons to smile at times when it seemed like smiling was the last thing that I would want to do. I hope that one day I can give all of you a smile back!

" If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you. If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't love you. If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do and I will."

We Really Shouldn't Be Doing This..

Finish Line In Sight!

Next week will be, hopefully, my last treatment! I have been lucky in that most of the side effects have been minimal, some more aches, lack of appetite, and fatigue. When I see the struggle that some of my fellow patients are going through I count myself very lucky.

It has been a journey of over a year since I first starting having some symptoms. First there was the comforting words of "nothing to really worry about..this is quite common, let's just watch it." and then there was the massive hemorrhaging in December with emergency surgery and the diagnosis of cancer and the referral to Carbone. The "don't worry" doctor called me recently to ask me to schedule my annual physical and a follow-up to my little problem. I know that it was not her fault that I had cancer but a small part of me questions why she and her staff made so little of it and do I really want to go back to her office?

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From Wiki: Love Rain depicts a pure love of the 1970s and a love from the present day. In the 1970s, Seo In Ha and Kim Yoon Hee, an art student and a shy beauty, met and fell in love with each other during college; but unfortunately their love was fated to never be. Now in the present 21st century Korea, Seo In Ha's son, Seo Joon (a liberal photographer) meets the daughter of Kim Yoon Hee, Jung Ha Na, a cheerful and energetic girl whose personality is different from her mother's. At first, they both found each other to be a nuisance and troublesome. Gradually, their feelings develop for one another. In Ha was never quite gotten over his love for Yoon Hee, despite marrying one of her best friends, Hye Jung. He is over the moon when he sees Yoon Hee on the streets and the two reconcile and make up for time lost. Little do they know that their children are dating each other, and the greater shock comes when they announce their marriage to their children. Who will end up being together: In Ha and Yoon Hee or Seo Joon and Ha Na. Cast: 70s Jang Keun Suk as Seo In Ha Im Yoon Ah as Kim Yoon Hee Kim Si Hoo as Lee Dong Wook Son Eun Seo as Baek Hye Jung Seo In Guk (서인국) as Kim Chang Mo Hwang Bo Ra as Hwang In Sook 2012 Jang Keun Suk as Seo Joon (In Ha's son) Im Yoon Ah as Jung Ha Na (Yoon Hee's daughter) Kim Si Hoo as Lee Sun Ho (Dong Wook's son) Jeong Jin-yeong as Seo In Ha (Seo Joon's dad) Lee Mi Sook as Kim Yoon Hee (Ha Na's mom) Kim Young Kwang as Han Tae Sung Oh Seung Yoon as Jo Soo Park Se Young (박세영) as Lee Mi Ho (Dong Wook's daughter) Lee Chan Ho as Jang Soo Shin Ji Ho (신지호) as In Sung Kwon In Ha (권인하) as Lee Dong Wook Yoo Hye Ri as Baek Hye Jung (Seo Joon's mom) Park Ji Il as Kim Chang Mo Seo In Guk (서인국) as Kim Jeon Sul (Chang Mo's nephew The drama reunites director Yoon Suk Ho and screenwriter Oh Soo Yun of Autumn in My Heart and Winter Sonata for the first time in 10 years.Jeong Jin-yeong and Jang Keun Suk previously worked together in the films The Happy Life (2007) and The Case of Itaewon Homicide (2009)

I loved this drama even though there were times that the story seemed to move too slowly and the ending wrapped too quickly.“Love Rain,” placed a lot of emphasis on its cinematography and aesthetics and when going against some of the flashier drama that were being shown, I understand that the ratings were not as high as expected but I think that it deserves another showing in Korea and perhaps those who missed it the first time around will fall in love with it just like the rest of us. The reason for liking this drama was primarily the cast and their ability to make you believe in their character's storyline. Jang Keun Suk does a wonderful job playing both the naive 1970's In Ha and the more assured son, Joon, in present day.

2012 London Olympic Games In Review

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I started watching this program after I saw an episode that was included as an extra on a DVD of another Korean drama. The story takes place in Seoul, 2011. Lee Yoon Sung is a talented MIT-graduate who works on the international communications team in the Blue House. He plans revenge on five politicians who caused his father's death with his surrogate father Lee Jin Pyo and eventually becomes a "City Hunter." Lee Min Ho, the lead, first came to my attention in the drama, Boys Over Flowers, another drama that I would recommend. In addition to Youtube,City Hunter can be seen on Dramafever & Netflix as well as many other online options.

Hong Gil Dong

Very loosely based on a fictional Robin Hood in Korea,and with humor and some modern touches given to both characters and settings, this is an enjoyable K-Drama that both men and women would enjoy. Hong Gil Dong was the illegitimate son of a high ranked minister. A local monk took him under his wing and taught him martial arts. Hong Gil Dong was inspired to fight for the injustice in this society that divided people into nobles and ordinary citizens whereby the former enjoyed all the privileges due solely to their birth. The heroine, Heo Yi Nok, had just returned to Korea from China with her grandfather. They made their living by putting on shows and selling their special brand of medicine in the marketplace. Lee Chang Hwi had been told since he was young that he was the rightful heir to the throne which had been usurped by his half brother. He had also returned from his exile in China and was plotting to overthrow the emperor. The three got entangled in love, hate, loyalty and betrayal and only one side can win.

A lovely day today..a gently breeze, sun shining, and the temperature is in a comfortable 72-75 range. AC is off for the first time in days!

This summer, both due to health issues and the extreme heat, I did not partake in many outdoor activities. My last treatment is scheduled for the end of this month so I am hoping for a really nice autumn that will allow me to get out and just enjoy.Today is the kind of day that makes me like living here in Wisconsin and the kind of day to savor as all too soon the leaves will start to change color, the birds will start their flights south and frost will sparkle in the morning sunlight. Sounds nice, doesn't it? But don't let Mother Nature fool you as she has much cooler changes in mind.

Team H Performance Part 2

Team H Performance at UMF Korea 8/04/12

Happy Birthday Jang Keun Suk

A very happy birthday to Jang Keun Suk (prior posting tribute)

                                                  

Korean 101

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Asian Prince for Ceara Story??

I am thinking of adding an Asian Prince to my children's story and these are just a few of the ideas that I have in mind but still working on his story line.

#1

#2

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#4

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#7

http://cearastory.blogspot.com/

Ceara                

Happy Birthday Jang Keun Suk

A few weeks after having been diagnosed with cancer , I was introduced to K-drama and to this talented young actor/singer. Watching and listening to him has helped me through many a day when depression threatened. In addition, I was introduced to a wonderful world of others who share a respect for not only his works but his attitude toward life and we have bonded as a result. This group is international in scope, encompasses varied cultures and religions but even though we have differences there is a real sense of friendship that abounds within the group known as EELS. The group supports not only Jang Keun Suk but each other and to me that says a lot about him, so I put together a little tribute for his birthday which is August 4. Happy birthday to Jang Keun Suk!.

Faith versus the organized Church

A few months ago I mentioned to a friend that I disliked most organized Christian churches and was told that I was a hypocrite since I called myself a Christian. I have gone back through both versions of the Bible that I have in my library and I am unable to find any directive given by Jesus to "get organized".

I do find myself to be lacking in my faith to the extent that there is this habit of putting that faith in the back of the mind until something happens that makes me want to call out for help. At this point I am not quite sure how to describe my faith. All I know is that I have always felt that even the theories of evolution go to prove that our existence is part of something greater than all of us. Everything that is upon this planet we call Earth is much to complex and wondrous to have been a matter of chance evolution. I respect the teachings of Jesus, Buddha,Mohammed, and many others who have similar thoughts on how man should behave while on this earth.

I have my piggy-bunny, how about you?

You Gotta Believe In You...

The last for today...I promise!

Good Bye ( Jang Keun Suk)

A.N.JELL Promise (You're Beautiful OST)

Can You Hear Me (Jang Keun Suk)

Just Crazy

Just Crazy

My doctor told me that I would probably develop a fine soft fuzz on my face, like a baby (which would eventually go away). Seriously, can this get any better? I had a colonoscopy with biopsy yesterday..it made for a really crazy morning. Since I had sedation for the procedure and they let me play my new favorite music, Crazy, Crazy by Jang Keun Suk. Nice to see some of the team getting into the music...just wish I had been able to shake it, shake it, shake it!

I want my lucky rabbit's foot back!

...but thanks to the wonderful EMS crew, I was spared a trip to the ER tonight. When I went out to return the carts from the street side I was stung by something..not sure what but area rapidly began to swell, hurt like hell, and I became SOB. A call and they were here in less than 5 minutes, a little shot with the epi, a little O2, and I learned something new...a little toothpaste on the sting and things are almost back to "normal" for me. I really owe it to these guys as they have really been there for me when I needed them. My hat is off to all in that line of work! Before the next collection day, I will need to investigate for possible nest buiilt somewhere on the cart. I do know that there are a lot of the little buggers in this area. If I could only get the spiders to keep them away I just might make friends with the spider!

What Cancer Can Not Do..

Last week I received a gift, a beautiful silver ring engraved with the words: "What Cancer Cannot Do...It cannot invade the soul, suppress memories, kill friendship, destroy peace, conquer the spirit, shatter hope, cripple love, corrode faith, steal eternal life, silence courage". It was a gift from a friend, a friend whom I have yet to meet in person, and came to know via Facebook and the six-degrees of separation found there. He is one of the many friends who have shown me a great deal of love and support as I fight my fight. They have given me courage and have "stood" beside me when I was feeling at my lowest. It is this kind of friendship that gives me hope for this world. There are many fights that can be won, not with the use of weapons, but with kindness. It has given me a new direction for my life's path.

Heat Wave

I do not like Air Conditioning as I find myself sneezing after being in it for any length of time and most places tend to set it too cold for me. For the last couple of days it has been hot here, right now it is 87, so from time to time I have been forced to turn it on. I use it to cool things down and then turn it off and with doors closed, the place stays relatively cool. We have not had any rain, or at least any that amounted to much, so the lawn is browning.(If we do not get rain in the next day or two I will hosed it down.) One of the benefits of the heat minus the rain has been the reduction of breeding grounds for the Wisconsin State "bird", better known as the mosquito.

Last week when I went in for my treatment, I was told that the MRI had shown a couple of areas of concern. Dr K said that it was not panic time but it did need to be investigated further. For about 10 years, I have been hearing from my primary that I should have a proctoscopic exam as part of my routine physical but I always found some reason not to have it done. Now I guess I have no further excuse and will have this performed in two weeks. After the treatment, a good friend showed up and brought me to his home, where i enjoyed a nice lunch by the lake and then took a nap in a hammock in the shade. What better way to spend the post-treatment afternoon!

Longer Presidential Term

Every election year when the incumbant is eligible for re-election, no matter who the President is, I always feel, to some degree, like 4 years is not enough time to figure out if the guy did his job or not. Whenever we get a new President, it seems like the first year or so is all about turning the government in a different direction, so not a whole lot really gets accomplished. Then you've got maybe a year to 18 months where you can see a new direction defined and starting to come together (whether you like it or not). Then, during the last 18 months to two years, so much time and energy is directed at campaigning for re-election. I'd like to know what you think about a six year Presidential term, retaining the "two consecutive terms in office" maximum. Via a friend who is currently living in Korea, I learned that the "legal" time in which a candidate for office can campaign is limited to 23 days in Korea. They feel that is time enough for a candidate to let the voters know enough about him to make a choice. Wow..think about it...less than a month of political ads..wouldn't that be great! And with all the communications means that are now at their disposal, I think it would be adequate time here in the USA.

Just to update since last posting: diagnosis for the swelling was correct as lymphedema and massage therapy (big smile) has been added to my weekly treatments. The massage therapist noted that I seemed to have a lot of extremely tender areas and after discussing this with Dr K, it was decided that I should have an MRI, which was done last week. The good part of that plan was the week free of treatments but if any of you have had an MRI performed you know that while it is not a painful procedure, it is an uncomfortable procedure. Imagine being inside a coffin-like machine with very little room, instructed not to move for about 45 minutes. During this time there is no sound except the occasional noise at the machines goes about its task. Time seemed to slow down and that 45 minutes was forever! I will get the results later this week when I go for my next treatment.

To Daddy

To Daddy

In Memory of my Mother

Since I last posted things have continued as expected but with one new complication that may or may not be related to my treatments. My right leg has become swollen to almost three times normal size. I made a visit to ER, now wearing TED stocking and I have an appointment on Wednesday for a lymphangiogram. There is a possibility that I have something called lymphedema, which occurs after the type of surgery that I had and after radiation treatments. A blue dye will be injected via the webbing between my toes and then after about 15 minutes or so the dye will reveal the lymph channels at which time incisions will be made and a tube will be inserted and another dye will flow up the body. An xray (fluroscope) is then done. This will make for an interesting week as the blue dye last for awhile with skin and vision affected! A Smurf!

Six more weeks to go and then I get a break..well, at least from the active treatment portion. I will have a couple of scans and lymph node biopsies to determine where I stand and what will be the next course of action. Surprisingly, I am feeling a lot better than feared. Tired, yes! Loss of appetite, yes! Hair loss, minimal! Weight loss, YES! Still anemic and potassium level has dropped again, plus I have developed some infections but I can deal with it.

It has been a month since my surgery. The incisions are finally healing but other post surgical issues remain. Constipation. little appetite,and fatigue are the most troublesome. On the good news side, when I went in for my check-up I had lost another ten pounds, maybe not the most desired way to lose the weight but Jenny Craig watch out! I was told that the fatigue could last up to nine months post surgery and even longer depending on how I respond to the chemotherapy. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that little detail. The secondary pathology report showed that a few of the little buggers had tried to make an escape and there were some precancerous cells present in several of the lymph nodes and the cervix. Based on my history the team recommended that I undergo further treatment and I have my first session tomorrow.

The Ugly Duckling

As a child I often thought that I had been placed into the wrong family. I did not belong. I was the ugly duckling among three pretty sisters and two handsome brothers. The only one that I felt a connection with was my father and even with him I feared showing too much affections as I might find that it was not returned. Don't get me wrong, there were good times but I always had the feeling of standing on the edge of the family circle.

In school,with each new year I found myself encountering teachers who expected me to be just like the sibling that had preceded me in their class...but I was the shy one. I did well scholastically but again never felt that I had lived up to expectations.My circle of close friends was small but I was able to move easily from one group to the next, I expect mostly due to my strong desire to find out just who I was. I feared getting really close to any of them as the truth that I did not belong might be discovered. Even my graduation seemed to lack any sense of achievement so when presented with the opportunity to leave the family I grabbed it.

It was then that I allowed the "me" that I wanted to be to emerge and it was liberating. I was meeting people who had no preconceived expectations. I discovered my own style, my own taste in music, books, art, etc. By learning to love myself I learned to love my family and to accept the part that I had played in creating my isolation. And while there have been ups and downs in my life I am pleased with the me that I have become, not a swan but no longer the ugly duckling either.

Surgery Outcome

Surgery Day One: Everything was moving right on target.I was at the hospital and ready by 5:00 AM. I was the first patient for the team and was soon getting weighed, last minute labs done, gowned and ready to go to pre-opt by 5:30 AM and then there was a delay as the anesthesiologist called for someone to cut off my ring. This took a few minutes but the first anesthesia was started at 7:10AM and the next thing that I was aware of was waking in the recovery room around 2:30PM. The surgery had taken longer than expected due to more bleeding than anticipated, but as DR K said, “we did expect more than usual with you.” There was also a brief episode of tachycardia but overall things went well. I was moved to the post-surgical ward and even enjoyed a visit with my family.

During the evening my kidneys were not functioning up to par and I was retaining fluid, getting more and more bloated as the day progressed.Lasix was added to the meds in my IV. Early Tuesday morning we started to get some results but not enough that DR K wanted to let me go home as had been the original plan. My abdomen looked like something between a ripe plum and a prune with six puckered incisions with the largest one spreading its coloration even across my back, this was the major work site. Pain meds were administered frequently but not upon demand so I learned to deal with an increase in pain about every two hours which soon became my new sleep pattern.

Late Tuesday night I started to run a fever and lungs were filling with fluid so once again new medications were added to the IV cocktail. The team came in frequently to help me cough, pillow across abdomen and sucking on little device until it brought on deep coughing and this seemed to be under control by Wednesday afternoon.

A new issue was discovered and that was a low(negative) potassium level so after consultation among the team it was decided to give me potassium via the IV. Now I was told that there would be some burning, I had experienced this with some other injections, but if any of you have had this treatment you know that it is not quite the same. The burning sensation started with the first point of entry and just grew stronger as it flowed through my system. I wanted nothing more than to rip the IV out. The nurses were there, placing hot packs all over my body as I gritted my teeth and cried. I watched as the bag emptied but any elation was quickly dampened when the Resident said that there were “only” three more bags to go. I was spared when after bag #3 DR K told them to start me on oral potassium and I got to swallow large pills and eat bananas for the rest of the night.

Things looked good for a late Thursday discharge. Around 6PM I got the okay (a little white lie that said I had someone waiting at home to help me) and eagerly prepared for my trip home with members of the team scheduled to do follow-up with me on Friday. I headed down to Admissions to retrieve my ring from the safe but while waiting for the clerk to return I remember hearing someone say to my escort, “she doesn’t look too good.” and afterwards seeing members of the medical response team bending over me. I was taken to ER where it seemed that my fever had returned and there was concern about fluid again. So it was back on IV, some more lab work, x-rays and finally at around 4AM I was given the okay to continue my discharge with strict instructions to follow.

Once at home all I wanted to do was sleep and I have been doing that for most of the week. While others were out enjoying the beautiful weather I was curled on the couch, wrapped in fleece and alternating between being hot and shivering. Tonight has been the first time that I have felt good enough to sit up for any length of time. Bruises are fading; some feeling is coming back into the poor IV arm so things are looking good.

Dr K called Friday night to tell me that the biopsy report was back. The tumor measured a little over 5 CM and had grown faster than expected. It had gone through the uterine wall but the lymph node biopsies did not show any signs of malignancy but we await the secondary report. Unless there are complications, my next visit is set for April 11 at which time my case will have been reviewed and the next step selected. In the meantime I just need to concentrate once more on getting back into shape.

Preliminary results from cardiology:

Preliminary results from cardiology: mitral valve prolapse with regurgitation (sounds like an old fart diagnosis) with possible arthymia...no biggie but because I have a history of endocarditis I will start on some antibiotic prior to the surgery.

Depression

Feeling down in the dumps tonight...could not keep my mind on any one activity. No appetite and for me that is definitely not normal. I slept late and it was not a good sleep as once again I had strange dreams.... tried to read some of my new books and ended up with a crying jag.,,and not just the silent tears but a full scale, sobbing, runny nose, jag!

I think I need to do something to take my mind off of things and just relax.

New Date for Surgery

After some negotiations with the lead surgeon, my surgery is back on the schedule with a new date of March 12. I still have to have an Echo and Holter but we eliminated three other procedures!

There was also more blood work done and by now my veins want to avoid the needle as with each draw they seem to be harder to find. I think that I will start carrying a permanent marker with me and mark the most likely spots! Lab results from the most recent testings were all within the normal range which is a good sign. The body is preparing for the fight!

Another positive was the loss of another eight pounds and both surgeon and I are delighted with that news.

Baby It's Cold Outside

God's delays Not God's denials.

Tonight I had expected to be in the hospital, recovering from surgery. Instead I am at home and I am not sure if I am more thankful or frustrated about the delay.

My strength has returned from the first surgery so that is a plus. I have lost weight, again a plus. I am told that endometrial cancer is a slow growing cancer so the delay should not cause any increase in risk. The 1-year survival rate is about 92%.The 5-year survival rate for endometrial cancer that has not spread is 95%.

The downsides of the waiting are the worry factor when given more time to think about all the "what ifs" and the re-occurrence of the initial symptoms,(bleeding & abdominal pain) and I have started seeing these once more. Mood swings...luckily I am alone most of the time so others do not have to endure these with me. Bad dreams have become the nightly expectation.

On Wednesday I see the lead surgeon to go over all the test results and get the surgery back on schedule.

Dreams

Lately I have been having a series of strange dreams..or at least the parts that I can remember are strange. They have no apparent connection to my real world and I wake with a start from them.

Dream #1 had me riding in a car, going at a high speed when suddenly the car plunges over a cliff and I am thrown from the vehicle and I awaken as I am airborne.

Dream #2 in this dream I am riding in a horse-drawn carriage that tips as it goes around a curve and I awaken just as the carriage is rolling.

Dream #3 I am walking along a wooded path when suddenly the wind picks up and then there is a loud roll of thunder and lightening flashes quite near. I wake up just as it strikes near me.

The one theme that all have in common seems to be a sense of danger so I suppose this might have something to do with anxiety over the approaching surgery.

The endless testing prior to surgery and the delays I am sure have increased that anxiety. When your doctor starts showing some concerns it is only natural to mirror some of that even if it is only while sleeping.

Test and More Test

Yesterday was a day of test and still more test at UW Hospital. My arm is black and blue from all of the poking done in the hematology department. I did a stress test in cardiology and I know I flunked that one as I barely made five minutes on the treadmill before they stopped the test. I am sure that lack of sleep the night before had something to do with that and it will be repeated prior to surgery. There was another pelvic exam..oh so much fun! Dr K explained to me that because I have a "tipped" uterus that will make the procedure a little trickier but still well within his comfort zone.

Seeing the image of what is meant by "tipped" helps me understand why all of my pregnancies resulted in back labor.


Next week I will be having an MRI and more blood work done. The $ meter keeps right on ticking away with the "not covered" just over $8000 plus whatever will not be covered from the most recent testing.

A Letter To Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

I appreciate the fact that you allowed me to have so many years free of all the "bad stuff" that you are prone to throw at the human female. While I was unhappy with the late "blooming", I was somewhat prideful in that I did not have the complaints that other women had regarding your gifts. To me PMS only stood for Positive Mental State and I enjoyed being female and all that came with it.

BUT it now appears that you had simply overlooked me and have now sought to correct that oversight. I do not need headaches, bloating or cramps..NOT now so unless you want an all out war BACK OFF!

Your Loving Earth Daughter

All On A Winter's Day

We received our first snow of the season that required any effort and with the dramatic drop in temperature from the mid 50's down to the teens, I expect that it will last for a few days. Thankfully I do not have many reasons to venture out in this so I can sit back and just enjoy the view.

No Passengers Allowed

When I was first out of school and into the workforce I found that I "needed" a car. I took $300 cash to the dealer and asked him what I could get for that amount. I drove home with a big white Pontiac that was soon dubbed "White Trash". WT served me well, never failing to start especially during the cold of Wisconsin winters and could plow through snow like a 4-wheel drive. WT had some issues; drivers door was wired shut and WT did not like to be shut down..requiring one to lift the hood and give him a whack before the engine would quit...but still he got me where I needed to go. Our Safety Engineer at work had put a sign on the window which declared "No passengers Allowed" (this was done in good fun???) and my dad cringed at every visit when he spied WT. Then came the day that my dad got me a deal on a new car and called to say that he was driving it up that weekend. On Friday night I drove home, pulled into the driveway and imagine my surprise when WT stopped, no whack needed..and refused to start again. Did I crush his heart? So sorry my love...

Carbone Cancer Center

Yesterday I met with the doctors and staff at Carbone and was very impressed, not only with their knowledge, but with their understanding that each patient is more than a bar code on a wristband. As I went through each process during the 8-hour day I was asked about me, the person not the patient, and at the end of the day staff members felt like new friends who were in this with me.

The plan for now is to undergo robotic surgery on 2/20 and my lead surgeon is considered to be one of the best in the field. In the meantime I have a few things that I have been assigned to get accomplished. #1 Lose some weight as the surgery is more successful with patient with minimum body fat., #2 Get my RBC back up within normal range. So it looks like my big word for the next month is diet.

No Regrets

I have added a new item to my bucket list.As some of you know I was recently hospitalized due to massive bleeding. As a result of that it was discovered that I have endometrial cancer. On 1/11, I will be going to the Carbone Cancer Center at UW Hospital to meet with the team of oncologist that will be working with me.. At that time they will determine staging and the treatment options. The doctors at Carbone have a great reputation and I am going into this with full confidence and will do whatever it takes and worry about how to finance it later. There is no price tag that I can place on wanting to live out a healthy life with my family and friends.

And while I do not think that doctors are gods, (sorry JJ) I do believe that a mighty hand guides them as they work and I am a believer in the power of prayer. I hope you will keep me in your thought and prayers and I will use this as a challenge to strike some things off of my bucket list. #1 Kick the hell our of cancer!

Keitel

Yesterday our loving and wonderful K-9 companion left this world and I do hope that all dogs do go to Heaven. Keitel was an older dog but had been in relative good health (stiff joints) until late August when he suddenly lost the use of his hind legs due to a genetic spinal problem. His legs moved (dreams still resulting in "running" legs) but he no longer had the strength in the hips. Surgery was considered but the cost was high and the odds of getting a lot of function back was slim.

He became confined to pillows in my "office" where he could watch me and the world. His daily excursions outdoors meant that he had to carried out and then "wheel-barrowed" about until he was ready to return indoors. A wheelchair was obtained but he just did not take to it and both human and dog were getting frustrated and stressed and finally the decision that we had been dreading was made.

It is amazing how attached to an animal you can become and as I sat in the living room, reading last night, I found myself frequently looking toward the door to this room to see if he was okay or listening for him. There will always be a lot of good memories and those will have to comfort us.

Falling Leaves

It seems like forever since I last wrote but the weather has just been begging me to simply enjoy. We had a beautiful "Indian" summer with temperatures in the 80's. Now things are getting back to the more seasonal 60-70 range. There is not much in the way of seasonal color around my house. The leaves just seem to slowly feel the season change and drop one by one to the ground while across the street are trees flaunting beautiful colors. The shores of the four lakes are also displaying their colors in farewell.

Am I Not A Man by Mark Shurtleff

I recently received a copy of Am I Not A Man, The Dred Scott Story for review. While the story itself is an interesting piece of our country's history, this telling of it was ponderous and I found my mind wandering as I read. Once into the actual trial upon which the Dred Scott Decision was made, I found it good read but it took quite a bit of determined reading to get me to that point. I am sure there are many history buff who would enjoy the back and forth stories about the families involved in Dred Scott's life but, alas, I am not one of them.